Growing up is a really funny thing. we see it in others, their physical, mental, spiritual changes, but it's a bit less noticeable when it happens to ourselves. or at least for me, that's the case. i think i would have liked to go back and read some xanga entries from long ago because i know that i probably would've laughed my head off and wondered who this person was that wrote these things, but so sad..i erased everything.
i think being at home this christmas break and seeing a lot of old friends has made me think back to high school days and therefore brought me back onto xanga? hah i don't really know but if i really think about it, high school years really wasn't THAT long ago. but man...the past two and a half years has probably created the most change in me than any other part of my life, and that's made high school seem SO LONG ago. God's changed my life in ways that i would never have imaged when i had graduated high school, and i think that my static faith in God is no longer static, it's an ever growing relationship with the Father.
i really don't know what i'm getting at right now, but my thoughts are all kinda tangled up in my brain and i feel like i need to spit some of it out. kinda like dumbledore's pensieve thing...um except not. i've recently realized that i have sooo much trouble expressing myself in what i say and even in what i write. i've been getting tongue-tied pretty easily and i'll get awkward. and i hate being awkward. i've also gone through other stages like waiting for people to come talk to me but not really ever initiating a conversation. i might have come off rude before, but i never thought that happened, i thought i was just invisible to most people. and you know what? that probably wasn't true, but my stupid low self-confidence always makes me feel that way. but geez, why did i feel that way and why DO i still feel like that sometime? i mean, the Creator of this world, the Lord of all, loves me and wants a personal relationship with me, the Son DIED for me, and i have the Holy Spirit living IN ME. there really is nothing more i can ask for. it is ALL i need. and i REALLY believe that with all my heart.
oh but wait, people still intimidate me and scare me? yea that's satan feeding lies to me and sometimes i eat it up. i let myself think that i'm not as good as the next person, that someone's not gonna listen to me because i'm weird or ugly or young, or whatever.
"Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12
yea i don't know why i let people intimidate me to the point of not thinking that what i say is worthwhile. and a lot of times, it's with people that have accepted Jesus and believe in him but take no action in living and striving towards a Godly life. i mean, i can't really imagine truely knowing him and not caring about the way you live and each action you take or word you say. and i don't know how to talk to these people. i don't want them to see any hypocrisy in me that i'm scared to say something to them for fear that i might not be doing something right. but hey, i'm far from perfect. actually i'm telling you that i've become hypocritical in so many things. i know that some people should change the way they live, and i know that i need to tell them because i love them, but i don't do it...maybe because i'm scared i'm gonna lose their friendship, or maybe because i feel like i'm not spritually strong enough myself to tell them. and sometimes, with people that have known me a long time, i feel like i can't show them a new me, how i've changed, because it's weird?? i don't even know.
the conclusion is, that these are all lies. i need to throw away these lies and completely and fully find my identity in Christ. you know, so what if i'm not a good speaker? Moses wasn't either and God still used him, and so what if i'm not a good writer? that's why my major has nothing to do with writing....lol
okay...i don't really know all of what i just wrote...but the point is i'm ready for God to mold me into who he wants me to be, and maybe still not too ready to grow up but ready for continual changes.
i'm definitely a complete mess and a working progress, but the beauty of it is that God's never gonna give up on me. and He WILL be glorifed.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
that's it. the world has been overcome by Jesus. the end. there really is nothing to fear unless you don't know Him.
okay well, that's a sliver of my thoughts. wow it was long.
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